Tuesday, November 12, 2013
3 Dating Do’s and Don’ts
Time and time again, I hear women complaining about how challenging it is to date men in Vancouver. The complaints range from the lack of quality of single men, to the lack of efforts made during courtship, or rather, courtship no longer exists, period. Here are some tips to the bachelors out there on some dating Do’s and Dont’s:
1. Dating DO: When asking a woman out, suggest an activity (eg. coffee/drinks/dinner) and propose a time (close the deal). Dating DON’T: Ask a woman out by saying “We should hang out sometime.”
Texting “whatsup” or Facebook messaging “We should do coffee sometime” is not asking someone out. It communicates lack of effort and intention. It negates you from having to put yourself out there and risk rejection. Or, it’s just plain lazy. Perhaps I’m old fashioned, or maybe I’m just trying to resist the casual culture that’s characteristic of the “hook-up” millennial generation. But think my wise friend Adam Hodge phrased it perfectly, “The passive approach of ‘we should…’ lacks true intention. Not only in terms of dating, but in regards to personal friendships/relationships – as well as business. It says, I’ll only commit, if you commit first. And if not, I’m not really interested”.2. Dating DO: If you do the inviting, offer to pay for the bill.
I’m not saying you have to take the person on a fancy, multi-course dinner on a first date. But a general rule of thumb whether it’s a first business meeting or a first date is – if you do the inviting, offer to pay. And, if the date extends beyond the coffee, drink or meal, then it’s fair game after that. It’s not about the amount of money spent; it’s about the gesture.3. Dating DO: Put in some effort.
Sure, we don’t want to create stuffy situations that create expectations and pressure. But – that doesn’t mean you should slack on making effort when going on a date with someone. Dress for the occasion with proper footwear (and unless you’re heading to the beach, I’d advise to stay away from flip flops at dinner). Put some thought into where to go and saying “I dunno, what do you want to do?” doesn’t cut it.Lastly, being passive in anything area of life has never lead to great results has it? Mediocre results perhaps, but never great. I’ve never gotten a great job, opportunity or developed an incredibly enriching friendship with someone by choosing the passive route. Thus, it’s likely not going to produce high quality results in the dating realm either.
Take a risk. Put yourself out there. And yeah, you may get rejected or bruised a little bit, but eventually, that risk will be taken with the right person, and it will be so worth it. =)
Happy dating!
Why Do Good Women Pick the Wrong Men?
Why do great women pick people who treat them poorly? Smart, beautiful, incredible individuals – who give 110% to a man who in return, are only half-vested, part-time, and approach the relationship with a “me”, not “we” mentality.
And while your friends see that your relationship is unhealthy, and your rational mind does too, you just can’t seem to get out. You know deep down inside that the person is not right for you, but make justifications and excuses over and over again. You stay. You try even harder. You’re hooked.
Why does this happen?
1. The more you invest, the more vested you become.
When you don’t get the love and attention you want, it may seem natural to give more. You invest more – only to find yourself more disappointed, depleted and feeling insignificant with each attempt to create/repair the connection. This is what psychologist Dr. Jeremy Nicholson calls the principle of “sunk costs”.“Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them…They do all of the “doing”. They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.”
Before you engage in another act of love, ask yourself what your true intention is. Are you giving without expectation of receiving anything back in return? Are you keeping score? Or, is there a part of your giving that is rooted in the hopes you will get love and acknowledgement in return? If there isn’t a foundation of love, respect and commitment with the person you’re dating, giving more and doing nice things will not cause them to love you more, it’ll only result in you becoming increasingly attached.
Perhaps you had an unstable male figure in your life as a child, or your first relationship was one that left you hurt and wounded. It is possible that you are choosing relationships that repeat the unavailability, rejection or abandonment issues that were familiar in your earliest relationship with the opposite sex. In a sense, you seek comfort in that familiar scenario – even if it is one filled with angst. These are attractions of deprivation, and it’s possible it stems from your childhood.
The problem is, the longer you continue the cycle, the more your sense of self-worth erodes, making it harder and harder to remove yourself from the pleasure/pain pattern of unhealthy, inaccessible relationships.
I once started to develop feelings for someone and as I started to open up to him, he reacted with aloofness and indifference. It was clear he was emotionally unavailable to me. My natural reaction was to try harder, initiate more, and stick around in hopes he would turn around.
This is what I would have done in my early twenties, but a decade later, I’ve learned to recognize the signs of an unhealthy dynamic. My craving and desire to make it work with a guy like him is similar to those same attractions in my early twenties. I admit, I was attracted and craving a connection with a man who was unavailable. But what’s different now is my response.
I can choose to not engage. I can recognize that I’m worth more than to invest in someone who likes me just a little, but not enough. And this, is the decision that starts to break the unhealthy cycle.
Don’t ever forget your worth. The moment you accept less than your worth, you will get less. The moment you tolerate disrespect and disregard, you set precedent.
3. It’s chemical.
Dr. Larry Young, the director for Translational Social Neuroscience, notes that experiencing a loss from a partner – such as a separation or death, is akin to an addict craving drugs. A study showed that voles separated from their vole partner showed high levels of a stress chemical, corticosterone, and experienced an overwhelming anxiety due to their partner loss. The voles are driven to go “home” to their partner because only then does the oxytocin (the feel good hormone associated with pair bonding) can help ease the anxiety the separation caused.Dr. Young states that the vole behavior is similar to humans – they come back not because they are positively motivated to be with their partners, but because they want the misery of separation to stop.
“We have this normal together, whatever that normal is. And the bad feeling forces you to come back.”
He points out that both men and women who have been verbally or physically abused often refuse to leave those relationships similarly to how drugs addicts cannot leave their relationship with drugs. They are chemically hooked. Then, “They rationalize their choice to stay by focusing on positive traits their partner might possess.” Sound familiar?
I truly believe that when it doesn’t work out with someone in the present, it is because it is meant to work out with someone else in the future. But you can’t leave it all up to fate. There’s work to be done on your part too. Each relationship that comes in your life is the universe’s way of delivering a lesson for you to learn. If you don’t learn that lesson and evolve, you will only face the same issues with each relationship moving forward. If you want to avoid a lifetime of dating the wrong men, you have to be conscious of the old wounds you need to heal and take action to stop destructive habits and patterns. After all, you have to be the “right one” until you will meet the “right one”.
Disclaimer: This is not a bash on men. I am a woman and writing from a woman’s point of view. You can flip the genders and the same points would apply.
source: http://justmytype.ca/
Monday, November 11, 2013
Always the Mistress Never the Mrs.
Sourec: http://justmytype.ca/
Another weekend, another one-night stand. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn’t called. The guys that do contact you only text, (and only after midnight). You get asked out to meet for a drink but never for dinner. Any of these situations sound familiar?
These scenarios are far too common amongst single females, and unfortunately, a lot of the times we don’t know why we are stuck in the same patterns – attracting men who don’t want to commit.
I’m not saying that commitment and true love is the be-all and end-all for everyone. There are definitely Samanthas out there that consider sex a sport, and dating as sheer entertainment. If that works for you then, hey – all the more power to you. But many, if not most single women, actually want sex, dating and courtship to result in one thing… love.
But after countless dates, hooking up and still no ring, it is apparent that there is something that these women have in common. Men want to sleep with them, but don’t want to date them. If your dating and sex strategy (or lack of strategy, that is) isn’t working for you, here are a few reasons that may explain it:
You’re easy
You ooze sex, smell like sex and give up sex easily. Opportunistic men will jump at the chance to get a few drinks in you hoping to get you in bed at the end of the night. But you wake up alone.When men see you as sexual prey first and foremost, they are blinded to all the other great stuff you have to offer. Not your good heart, your inner domestic goddess, your charming personality or resemblance to their mother. Nope, they see the one thing you’ve presented as your value: sex.
Men who want to settle down do not want to take home the woman who sleeps around. They want to feel proud of their “catch” and be able to introduce you to their friends and family. So what can you do? It’s simple. Stop putting out so easily. Stop pushing out sex as your main attraction and you may find that men will start to notice all the other things about you that make you special.
If you put out quickly and easily, men will automatically assume that you’re doing the same thing with a bunch of other dudes – and that isn’t something their egos find attractive. They automatically put you in the “don’t take seriously” pile which explains why they don’t make an effort to date you.
You’re a golddigger
You meet a rich guy and imagine how you life would be without having to work another 9-5 again. You salivate over the nice bags, trips and fine dinners of your future.While that fantasy may play out in an episode of Desperate Housewives, it doesn’t work out in reality. When you date a man in hopes that he’s your lottery ticket out of middle class, you’ll only end up being disappointed.
First, dating a rich guy does not mean there is a transfer of his wealth to you. You get a leased lifestyle. This means you have to return it once he finds someone newer and prettier. Second, these bachelors aren’t rookies to the game. And you are definitely not the one to break their sugar-daddy cherry. They are not naive to the fact that the reason you’re with them is because of their financial status – and often have no intention of committing to you.The fairytale usually ends like this: the dude finds another flavor of the month, and you end up 10 pounds heavier from the wining and dining with a few new designer bags. He continues playing the field and you end up alone.
You sleep with taken men
Research shows that men rarely leave their wives for the person they’ve cheated with. And even if they do, often the relationship that begins with deception usually ends in deception. In fact, according to Dr. Phil, “relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time.” You can lie to yourself all you want, justify and live in denial believing you really are the special one – but the reality is, he’s not going to end up with you. Plus, you’ll have a ton of karma, guilt (if you have a conscience that is) and shame to deal with at some point. It’s a lose-lose situation. There are over 18,000,000 single men in America alone; surely there is one in that sea of fish that could be a better soul mate?You have no substance
You gab about clothes, celebrities and other fluff stuff that nobody really cares about (except for your BFF and hairstylist). You think that working in retail or as a waitress at Cactus Club is a career path. There is nothing wrong with this scenario – if you’re in your teens or early twenties. But if you’re looking for a husband, you need to have substance. Your passions, ambitions, stories… that’s what makes an individual interesting. If you don’t show any of your substance, it really doesn’t matter how pretty you are, because eventually, pretty gets familiar, and then it gets old.You’d think that the points raised in this article are common sense – but why do so many females constantly repeat their dating strategies even when it clearly doesn’t work? Part of it has to do with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. Another part of it has to do with what the mainstream media teaches us. The mass media inundates us with images, stories and celebrities where females are sex objects. What they don’t tell us is that this positioning of women is really meant to serve the male. We are trained that being pretty and sexual is how you win a man. So what do we do? We use our looks and sex to play the game, hoping to win validation and love in return. This strategy doesn’t result in love, in fact quite the opposite, chipping away at our self-esteem. Then we’re back at square one, repeating the cycle in a quest to find love and validation.
If you want to find true, committed love, the first step is changing your mentality. Respect your body and be respected. Love yourself, and you will be open to receiving love from others. Find ways that nurture your confidence and empowerment that doesn’t involve using your looks or sex. For example, perhaps a weekend in with good girlfriends is healthier for your soul than trolling a nightclub for men who are looking just to have fun. And when making decisions about who to invest your time in and who to share your body with, ask yourself if it’s taking you closer to finding love (both with another and with yourself) or further away.
Gettting Over an Ex
Do know that this is a normal and natural phase to go through – and it is just that, a phase that will pass. You are mourning, your brain is still wired with attachment to this person. You can feel physical pain as your brain craves that attachment and doesn’t get it. A study from the book The Chemistry Between Us by Dr. Larry Young notes that relationship separation causes an anxiety and pain similar to what a drug addict experiences when fiending for another fix.
But the less of him you see, the less he will be in your thoughts. And slowly, your heart will heal. Sometimes you’ll go through a setback, and feel like no progress has been made at all. But the journey of healing is one that goes up and down, and hopefully, with a positive trend upward in the grand scheme of things.
Whatever he did to hurt you, it likely came from an unhealthy place. Perhaps one of fear, insecurity, lack of self-worth or disconnection. Hurt people hurt people. So while it may look like he’s moved forward on the outside, the hurt he had in the inside while he was with you, is still likely still within him. And sooner or later, in some shape or form, it’ll out in his present relationship too.
That’s the way unresolved issues go – they keep reappearing, relationship after relationship, until the person finally decides to work on it, heal from it, and move forward.
I know you may not be able to feel it now, but as someone who has been exactly where you are, and has come out of the suffering, I’m telling you – it gets better. And trust that there is a bigger plan out there for you – you were meant to go through this to evolve into the next part of you.
Remember, when it doesn’t work with someone in the present, it’s because it’s meant to work out with someone else in your future. Each relationship that comes and goes happens to prepare you for the next one, and the next – until you finally are at the right point to meet the person you’re meant to be with
Differences Between Dating a Boy vs a Man
When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” - Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life). A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.
Photo credit: Jaclyn Auletta
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